Kingsman is Krap (Colin Firth, Michael Caine, Jack Davenport)

I need to know how much they paid Colin Firth to be in Kingsman: The Secret Service.

It was a pure abomination to his reputation and his acting skills.

The thing is, it was actually pretty good up until the church scene. Then it turned into a "Kill Bill"-squared = KillBill².

And, really, I should have had a clue when, within the first 15 minutes of the movie, the first iteration of Lancelot (Jack Davenport) is cut in half--vertically.

It was the bloodiest, most violent, display of mayhem I have ever seen.

And I wouldn't necessarily characterize myself as a milquetoast or holier-than-thou; geez, one of my favorite movies is Reservoir Dogs.

But this movie was just foul, full of over-the-top violence, disgusting language and stupidity.

From the director of X-Men and Kick-Ass, I should have anticipated the turn of events. However, it was the casting of Colin Firth and Michael Caine that lured me in. That and the lovely references to King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table; however, the use of a conference room table rather than a round table should have been the first big clue.

Don't waste your time. And surely don't take your children--it is rated R for a very good reason.

Ironic Man - Robert Downey, Jr. (2010)

Just got home from the highly anticipated Iron Man 2 with the much admired Robert Downey, Jr.

I was entertained.

I laughed, I got hopped during the computer scenes, I got kinda excited during the action scenes--kinda, 'cause I am not into fighting.

But there were a couple of snafus:

1. Why are Scarlet Johansson and Gwyneth Paltrow wearing such high heels that they are walking like geisha girls?
2. If Iron Man's nemesis is whipping electricity in water, why doesn't he get electrocuted?
3. If the metroplex's phone systems and cell systems went entirely down, how could Gwyneth make a phone call?

Oh, but it didn't bother me that much. The witty, ironic repartee between the characters made it worthwhile, delivering their lines with tongues firmly planted in cheeks.

Ok, honestly, Robert Downey, Jr., made it worthwhile.

""Kick Ass" Kicks Ass! - Aaron Johnson, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Nicholas Cage (2010)

Just got back from the latest cinematographic attempt to lure prepubescent males into the theaters and, yes, it was my idea.

About a kid who wants to know why know one actually becomes a super hero, he decides to go for it.

He buys a green and yellow scuba suit and a pair of stick weapons and starts looking for trouble.

And he finds it in spades.

This movie is hilariously funny, wrought with the raunchiness of teen-age boys, blood lust and waves of unexpected violence--so unexpected my friend actually screamed.

The movie's violence and premise is outrageously ingenious and at times almost too horrific to watch. In many ways, the movie reminded me of Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill but without the cultural references. Well, I guess it did if you were an adolescent boy.

But no parent in their right mind would let their kid see this. Of course, that's never stopped kids before.

So beware. But also be ready to laugh your ass off.

Up - Ed Asner

What a perfectly splendid fairy tale of a film!

Pixar's animated film, Up!, is so joyous, so pure in its engenuity that it is able to take the time-old tale of spiritual renewal and make it new.

Taking nimble and heartaching quicksteps between joy and sadness, the tale begins with a shy, young boy named Carl who dreams of high adventure. Meeting his match in the quick witted Ellie, the two become a team, dreaming big dreams but never quite making it. Instead they live their lives together until Ellie's life ends after a long and happy marriage together.

And that is just the first 10 minutes of the movie.

What a delight to watch. Between the 10-year old Russell who's sole desire is to get his last badge conferred upon him for assisting the elderly, Dug the dog who seeks only to have a kind master and Charles Muntz who wants only to repair his reputation, we see a fable as good as any of Aesop's play out.

Written by Bob Peterson and Pete Docter, the story is nothing short of brilliant. And, of course, Pixar's animation is fantastic.

A pleasure to watch, make sure and catch the two additional shorts that are available in the Special Features of the DVD.

2012 - John Cusack

Heart Rate: YY

My sister and her bf and I always go to the movies on Friday. This time, said bf picked 2012.

He's so funny. He says he hates all movies and that actors should retire after acting over a certain number of years. Then you start to give him the benefit of the doubt and start thinking he is making some sense then you ask him what his favorite movie: Rambo. And he loses all credibility.

But I would have to agree with him in this case.

This movie was terrible.

I was really hoping to hear some ancient symbolism revealed or some great science. But instead all I got was an escalated Poseidon adventure.

Plus John Cusack.

That was the only redeeming quality of the whole movie.

Otherwise, it was a wash; a real disaster movie.

Puns intentional.